Friday, December 17, 2004

Kicking the habit

So I think that I have finally kicked my "social smoking" habit for good. I went on a quasi-cleanse that included two weeks of no sugar and one month of no drinking or smoking. ( Although, I told myself from the onset that I could make special exceptions to the no drinking rule since this is the holiday season. But it had to be a very special occasion, e.g. Thanksgiving.)

John and I had a holiday party this last weekend that happened to land on the day that I was finally able to drink with no apologies. Thinking back on that evening, I'm pretty amazed that I didn't have that crazy craving for a cigarette that I always get after a few drinks. It's terrible; I usually can't stop thinking about it until I finally have a smoke.

Anyways, my friend says that she is going out to the balcony for a smoke and asked if I'd like one. I didn't REALLY want one, but since smoking is what I usually do while drinking, I thought, "Alright, why not? I know that my lungs have been clean for a month but what the hell? It's my holiday party! Whee!" I had lost all judgment and didn't even truly want to smoke. It just seemed like the thing to do at the moment.

I can't even remember whether I smoked one or two cigarettes, that's how toasted I was. What I do remember is that I started feeling sick and someone asking me, "Are you alright?" Uh-oh, this was the familiar feeling of smoking a cigarette that is way too strong for me but now combined with having drank (drunk?) too much.

I ended up throwing up. Maybe that is too much information, but this must be told to stress how much I have been affected.

Now, I have absolutely no desire or curiosity about smoking a cigarette. The true test came when I was at an art opening with a friend the other night. She lit up and at first I had an ingrained reaction from years of social smoking. I sort of lit up and my attention zoomed in on her actions, but then only a split second later I felt, "ew". When I smelled the smoke I actually had to step away because it made me feel ill.

I now have a very negative association with smoking. I only hope that this association never fades.

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