Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Today

I am still struggling with a painting. I don't do well with themed shows. It's like being given a homework assignment. I want to keep it in the style I've been developing, but it's hard because I wouldn't have picked the size and format I am forced to use. I like to work on pieces that come from my own inspiration and heart. I don't need a homework assignment.

Thursday, December 7, 2006

Problemsolving a Painting

I'm tying 4 panels together and the theme of the piece is "matters of the heart".

Me: "But it isn't gonna be perfect."

Friend: "I know, you want it to be perfect. That's how love is though, right??? Not perfect."

Me: "Yeah, it's just all these pieces tied up in the best way possible."

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Lovefest!!

I'm leaving for the San Francisco Lovefest. The next few days will be full of beats. Let the dancing and debauchery begin!!

Friday, September 15, 2006

I Believe in Magic

I believe in the magic of love, of a smile, of intention. I believe in the magic of pulling a card and seeing the meaning as meant for myself. I believe in it because I look for it and whatever you look for becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you look for the negative stuff in life, then that is what you will find. I choose to see the joy and magic. Scoff at me all you want...this is my life and I want to see the good. Of course there is always some loss and hurt thrown in because this is life, and it is because of this that I want to walk on the sunny side of the street as much as possible.

Wednesday, September 6, 2006

Wow

All I can say is wow.

The meditation retreat was life-changing. It moved my soul. It taught me so much- about myself, others, the world. It's indescribable. I sat in silence, did walking meditation, a few guided meditations, and there were dharma talks.

Philosophies that I have read really sunk in. There is a lifetime of learning but I am finally beginning to truly KNOW. Experiencing it vs. just being booksmart. Just the tippy tip of the iceberg.

Somehow, I must balance this with my everyday life while still incorporating presence into my days. Stillness...listening to the silence, to the being inside of myself which is connected to everything else. Truth.
I know that this is the way towards peace. True peace.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Gratitude for Someone Special to Me



One of my greatest teachers is my friend Sandra. I met her while we were counselors at a summer camp. I had a crush on her because she was so independent and creative. She was always working on some dance project and she exuded a quiet strength. I admired her and her energy drew me in. We have become very tight and special friends in the 10 years we've known eachother. We've seen each other through the trials and tribulations of life. We've watched each other grow.

I respect Sandra so much. I am gushing but this is how I feel. She is one of the wisest people I know. Her advice always comes from a nonjudgemental, centered place while reminding me to look inside for the truth, even when it hurts. Even when the child in me wants to pout and throw a tantrum. Always patient, compassionate and empathetic when she sees me stumble and fall. She sees the truth where most people just see things from an ego-driven reactive point of view. She somehow understands why we act and react, and the motives that drive us. When I talk to her, my fears settle and I know that I must listen to the voice inside. I understand myself and the world around me a little more.

How lucky I am.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Red Flags and Long Nights



This photo that I took on the beach just goes so perfectly with the song from She Wants Revenge "Red Flags and Long Nights":

Whether it's two weeks, two years, or just tonight
You can occupy my every sigh, you can rent the space inside my mind
At least until the price becomes too high
I can find a reason that we should quit, I can find a reason to do it
I can find excuses for all my shit
She tells me just to work right through it
She's pretty and I like her but she's too well
"Cause I need red flags and long nights and she can tell
It's not that it's my fault, it's just my style
Beginning with a look and then a smile
She don't need a thing, she don't need saving or a lay
She's got all her friends around and you can hear them say
"He's not into you, he's into the idea of..."
But little do they know that she's not through.

~She Wants Revenge

More Mary Oliver

Excerpt from "The Summer Day"

I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

~Mary Oliver

When Death Comes



When it's over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was a bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it's over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened
or full of argument.

I don't want to end up simply having visited this world.

~Mary Oliver

Monday, August 21, 2006

Reflecting Back

It's been a year. A year give or take a few months...of being in LA on my own. Discovering and growing. So full of surprises and all I can say is that I am smiling and looking forward to so much. Moving forward with my plans.
New headshots.
Auditions.
Art corner in the kitchen.
Starting new work.

Friday, August 4, 2006

Dating Advice From a Friend

"Why don't you try dating someone who isn't an artist or musician for once? Someone who doesn't work in the arts at all. They can enjoy art...a lot...just not be employed in that field. They can have any other job in the world just not in the arts. Why don't you try that once? How about a few times? See the difference. And they should be over age 35...(sigh) alright at least 30 years old. Just try it!"

Friday, July 21, 2006

Laughing



This is my favorite photo of myself that Adam took. Laughing is so good for the soul. My favorite is when tears well up because I am laughing so hard.

I haven't done everything I wanted to this week, but I am slowly gearing up to where I want to be. Hey, I'm a recovering slacker. I fall off the wagon a lot and all I can do is get back on. So here is what I've been up to this week:
I exercised 3 times.
I found a very cute old style neighborhood diner complete with a counter to sit at. I got a coffee, sat outside, and felt quite happy to be there. Okay so that is not a productive thing but I have been wanting to visit this place for a while now.
I auditioned for something today.
I recontacted a work contact and made some business cards.
I've actually been looking at the casting listings that get emailed to me and submitting my headshot to the appealing ones.
I've been feeding my friends because I've been inspired to cook at home and try out new things.
There is a Pearl art supply within walking distance from my house and I have stopped by there whenever I need something. I have materials spread out and ideas are brewing. They haven't quite materialized but they are there, shimmering on the horizon.
I researched and found some places that I might sit in on a meditation session. I'm new at this sort of thing and want a group of people to be around. I'm going to explore and find the right fit for me.
I cleaned my car out!! Woohoo!!!

Oh, and I've been reading Eat Pray Love. I highly recommend it for anyone who has searched for meaning, or has felt like he/she lost almost everything and wonders what else there is in life. I haven't read the entire book yet so I can't give a full review, but I like it so far. Women will like it especially since there aren't enough stories of women who go on quests.

P.S. I also fixed the "look" link on the previous post below.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Independance

I went to a desert party this weekend that was a total blast. My talented friend Adam took some photos. I am wearing the silver halter top and later a green tank top. Take a look.

Here are other photos from 10 years of peeps hanging out.

Take a look around the rest of his site. Lots of interesting faces.

Saturday, July 8, 2006

Burning Flame

I always stood alone
But I came to face my life
And I struggled deep down inside
But I survived

(x2)
I'm not waiting
Waiting for the burning flame

Ill strike my own light
And play my own game
I'm not waiting
For anybody's burning flame

~lyrics by Krystal from the song Burning Flame

Friday, July 7, 2006

I Want

Desire is the root of all suffering...but I want...

To drive off in a van to some godforsaken place and keep driving to other unassuming yet adventurous places.
I want a spiritually transformational experience in the desert.
I want to kiss a wild, beautiful man in a different town/city.
I want to be alone for a few days, really alone...with no radio, television, books, people, or phone. Complete silence with no distractions so that I will be forced to face my inner static.
I want to run away.
I want to visit that rural home in Ohio where I lived for a year. Where I used to get lost in the woods, stalk frogs, and listen to the trees in silence.
I want to sing really loud in a loud, glammy, "fuck it all" band.
I want to be locked away in a large studio and paint my days away and get drunk with fellow energetic artists at night.
I want to not care if I spend the rest of my days without a significant other.
I want to to be a better person.
I want to let go of old reactions.
I want to inspire.
I want to make a difference.

What do you want?

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Birds

I received some comments from the Critical Mass photography competition and it solidified how I feel about my Beach series.
Someone called my bird photos "quite lovely and serious". I knew that this was the direction that I wanted to take after I attended the photo review. Unfortunately some events in my life got in the way. I'm beginning to feel like I want to dig up the negs that I just threw into a bag and never looked at. It's a big bag. Kind of exciting yet daunting.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

"Sunrise, the sun sets.
You are hopeful and then you regret.
The circle never breaks.
With a sunrise and a sunset there’s a change of heart or address.
Is there nothing that remains?
For a sunrise or a sunset.
You’re manic or you’re depressed.
Will you ever feel ok?"

"For a sunrise or sunset.
You’re either coming or you just left but you’re always on the way.
Towards a sunrise or a sunset, a scribble or a sonnet.
They are really just the same.
To the sunrise and the sunset.
The master and his servant have exactly the same fate.
It’s a sunrise and a sunset.
From a cradle to a casket.
There’s no way to escape.
The sunrise and the sunset.
Hold your sadness like a puppet, keep putting on the play.
But everything you do is leading to the point
where you just won’t know what to do.
And at that moment you may laugh
but there is someone there who will be laughing louder than you.
So it’s true, the trick is complete.
become everything you said that you never would be.
You’re a fool! You’re a fool!
Sunrise, sunset.
Sunrise, sunset.
The sunrise and the sun sets.
Sunrise, sunset.
Sunrise, the sun sets.
Sunrise, the sun sets.
Sunrise, sunset.
Go home to your apartment
put the cassette in the tape deck and let that fever play.
Sunrise, sunset."
~Bright Eyes

Monday, May 29, 2006

Art


It just dawned on me that I want to make my life one big art project. Fill it with color, energy, laughter, music, and dancing. Make it beautiful and make people laugh. I want to inspire and be inspired. Bounce ideas and build. Surround myself with like-minded people...the artists, the magicians, the weavers of light. People who make things happen.
I have a special energy that I'd like to share with the world.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Finally!

I found a place after crazily looking everyday. It was getting close to the deadline of when I said I'd be out and I was getting nervous. One day, before I left on my search, I lifted my hands in the air and said "deliver me to divine residence". I repeated this 4 times as I faced North, South, East, and West. I pictured what I wanted...really focused on it. Later, while driving to see a listed apartment, I drove by a "for rent" sign. Immediately I liked the vibe and the elderly landlord sitting outside the place waiting for visitors. It was a little small but it had everything I wanted: hardwood floors, sunlight, parking, laundry, back stoop, option to have a kitty, and it was in the neighborhood that I wanted. This was it. I filled out the application that day and I got it! Today the landlord gave me the keys, left tangerines from his yard on my kitchen counter, and said that he left a note with the other tenants in the building announcing my arrival.

Somehow, this week everything is fell into place. The dark spell that I was under has been broken and I know that I am my path again.

Monday, April 10, 2006

A Quote on the Creative Being

For the truly creative mind in any field is no more than this- a human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive. To him a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create- to create- to create- so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of beauty and meaning his very breath is cut off from him. He must create. He must pour out creation. By some strange unknown pressing inward urgency he is not really alive unless he is creating.
~Pearl S. Buck

Friday, April 7, 2006

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
~Mary Oliver

Soon

Someday soon I'll paint, sing, and take photographs again. I have to.

Tuesday, April 4, 2006

Random Stuff

-So I cleaned out my entire studio. Photos will be posted soon. It is a great space and I'd like to share with everyone how I've been living...yet I have finally given my 30 day notice. I need a change, a new place to truly call my own. I am afraid of the transition yet so truly excited. I had moved to this building during a sad time in my life and it is time to change the energy. There are huge developments underway, no more stagnation. Oh so exciting!

-I am finally developing the friendships that I so need in this vast, lonely city of Los Angeles.

-Had a spur of the moment, random hangout time last night. Decided to see Peace Division at Monday Social which turned into an after party that lasted until almost 6 AM. Hung out with some interesting people which brought me back to the old days when I used to be ultra social and just be so spontaneous. Not something I'd want to do very often but it is a refreshing change. Lots of laughs and silliness.

-I don't know how to upload songs onto my server so I'll just post the lyrics to this uplifting Chemical Brothers song that has been inspiring me lately. It's called "The Test".

Ohhhh can you hear me now
Can you hear me now
Can you hear me now
Can you hear me now
Yeah am I coming through
Am I coming through
Is it sweet and pure and true?

To looking back this morning
City air summer show me
I was looking like I'd never seen a face before
Here we go now let's slide in through the open door

Pictures and things that I done before
Circling around out here on the floor
I'm dreaming of this and I'm dreaming of that
Regretting nothing think about that

Seeing waves breaking forms on my horizons
Yeah I'm shining
Seeing waves breaking forms on my horizons
Lord I'm shining
Oh are you hearing me like I'm hearing you
Oh are you hearing me like I'm hearing you

You know I almost lost my mind
I can't explain where I've been
You know I almost lost my mind
I can't explain where I've been
You know I almost lost my mind
I couldn't explain what I've seen
And I'm happy to have seen it too
Now that the images are fading away

Seeing waves breaking forms on my horizons
Yeah I'm shining
Seeing waves breaking forms on my horizons
Lord I'm shining
Oh are you hearing me like I'm hearing you
Oh are you hearing me like I'm hearing you

You know I almost lost my mind
I can't explain where I've been
You know I almost lost my mind
I couldn't explain the things I'd seen
But now I think I see the light
Now I think I see the light
Lend me your hand (x5)

Seeing waves breaking forms on my horizons
Yeah I'm shining
Seeing waves breaking forms on my horizons
Lord I'm shining
Oh are you hearing me like I'm hearing you
Oh are you hearing me like I'm hearing you

You know I almost lost my mind
But now I'm home and I'm free
Did I pass the acid test? (x6)

Oh my my my mind
You better go defend now
Or you better go to bed now
You better go defend now
Or you better go to bed now
You better go defend now
Or you better go to bed now
You better go defend now
Or you better go to bed now
You better go defend now
Or you better go to bed now
You better go defend now
Or you better go to bed now
(Am I coming through?)
(Am I coming through?)
My heart and my soul they are free
My heart and my soul they are free

You know I almost lost my mind
But now I'm home and I'm free
Did I pass the acid test? (x10)

Oh my my my my mind

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Alex an old friend

I got in touch with an old friend of mine. We were best friends 8th-10th grade before I moved away. We kept in touch for many years after that but just fell out without meaning to. We used to talk to each other every day, giggle, flirt with boys, walk home together, and go to the mall. Girly stuff. We were super best friends. I remember we used to even go to the public library together. We were into the Sweet Valley High series and other high school romance novels. One day at the library, we both had an epiphany at the same exact time. We looked at those books and said, "Blech, those are trashy, gossipy, dumb books and I don't want to read those anymore!" We slapped those books down and never looked back. Well, who knows, maybe she did, but I liked how we were always on the same page in life. (No pun intended!)

We are even leading almost paralell lives at the moment. When we talked to the phone, it was like no time had gone by. No awkwardness at all. So cool.

Friday, March 24, 2006

On Obsessing

excerpt from "In Praise of Positive Obsessions" by Eric Maisel -
in Eric Maisel's Creativity Newsletter, #28, October, 2002. ericmaisel.com


The common wisdom of therapy has it that obsessions are always bad things. As a feature of its namesake disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or as a feature of some other disorder, an obsession is a sign of trouble and a problem to be eliminated.

But the main reason therapists find themselves obliged to consider obsessions invariably negative has to do with language: an obsession is invariably negative because clinicians have defined it as negative.

Clinicians define "obsession" in the following way: an obsession is an intrusive thought, it is recurrent, it is unwanted, and it is inappropriate. Defined this way, it is obviously always unwelcome.

But suppose a person is caught up thinking day and night about her current painting or about the direction she wants to take her art? Thoughts about painting "intrude" as she balances her checkbook or prepares her shopping list. She can hardly wait to get to her studio and her rhythms are more like Picasso's on painting jags than like the rhythms of a "normal" person.

This artist is obsessed in an everyday sense of the word - and more than happy to be so! ...
For a contemporary intelligent, sensitive person, it may well make more sense to opt for a life of positive obsessions that flow from personal choices about the meanings of life than to attempt to live a more modest and less satisfying normal-looking life that produces dissatisfaction and boredom.

After all, no one can say how normal ought to be defined. In what sense is it normal to work at a job that constricts you and bores you rather than risking everything on a life that challenges you, even as it frustrates you?

Much of what we call normal behavior is simply based on fear. Indeed, the average person might even prefer a negative obsession, despite its horrors, to a positive obsession rooted in excitement, passion, and active meaning-making, so wild and unafraid would he feel if he were obsessed that way.**

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

wowee zowee!!!!!!!

I made a very exciting purchase tonight. I bought my first real metal flat files!! Pearl art supply was getting rid of theirs and I bought them for $50 each! I bought 2 plus a $25 base. I've been wanting some for YEARS. They are huge and I am not so sure what I'll do with them when I move. I do not want to part with such treasures!

I looked them up online and they are going for $785 EACH brand new at the 45% off discounted price. WOW!
Check it:
http://www.dickblick.com/zz512/22/

I"M SO EXCITED!!
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